didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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