At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
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He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
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I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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