i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
