cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
