my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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