dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
