I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
