I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
And then my night got REAL pukey
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
