I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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