I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
