apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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