mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
