yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
