and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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