Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
