Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
