i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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