Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
