I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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