I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
