yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
