New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
