She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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