Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
