you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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