i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You pole danced in your parka.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
