LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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