What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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