Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
