i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
