he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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