made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
