yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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