her vagine was all disorganized.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
