So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame