woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"