3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.