Can i not drive my cunt home
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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