This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
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It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
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So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.