Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
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Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Boobs speak an international language.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
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This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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