Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
there was a trapeze. enough said
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
