Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
