dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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