she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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