i jhust puked up my retainher.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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