your parents love me but you hate me
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
