How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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