Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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