just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
