ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
