I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
