it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Randomize
