Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
