she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
True strength comes from lack of pants
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
