you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
