Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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