you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
