i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
BRING THE BAGELS
I have fence marks all over my body
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
