**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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