I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
